For a lot of us, personal finance & investing isn’t the most exciting topic in the world! It’s often associated with nerds. So for this week, I went hunting all over the internet for some hilarious financial jokes to make you pee a little in your pants 😊🤑

And here’s a hilarious gift for your friends in finance/accounting!

 

Couple Financial Jokes

 

#1. ‘Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. “I want to take all my money with me,” he tells her. “So promise me you’ll put it in the casket.”

After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.

Her friend looks at her in horror. “Surely,” she says, “you didn’t put the money in there.”

“I did promise him I would,” the widow answers. “So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”‘

 

#2. ‘A woman proudly told her friend, “I’m responsible for making my husband a millionaire.” “Well what was he before he married you?” the friend asked. “A billionaire.”‘

 

#3. ‘Married couple during hard financial times…

A man and his wife are having hard financial times and decide that the husband will pimp the wife out.

The man parks and waits while his wife goes around the corner to stir up business.

At the end of the night, the wife comes back to the car, and her husband asks how much she made.

“$100 and 50 cents,” the wife says.

“That’s great,” replies the husband. “But who paid the 50 cents?”

“All of them.”‘

Know of a quirky finance geek who isn’t afraid to live loudly? Here’s an out of the ordinary pair of socks for them!

#4. ‘Financial Planning like a pro…

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. His sickly father told Dan he was going to inherit the business and a fortune but his father’s one wish was to see Dan get married and settle before he passed on.

One evening, Dan went to a financial planning seminar. It was given by the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was bright and personable to boot. Dan fell in love at first sight. 

He told her, “I may look pretty ordinary, but my father will probably die soon and I will inherit the family business and a large fortune.” Impressed, the woman asked Dan for his business card, and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.’

 

#5. ‘Because my wife and I are flea market dealers, we usually carry stacks of $1 bills. 

Not long ago, we had lunch at a restaurant and paid the check with singles. 

As our waitress collected the ones, she sized up my 70-year-old wife and said, “You had a good night dancing last night, huh?”.’

 

#6. ‘A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says:

“I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. A few seconds and a satisfying glance later, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks:

“Who was that?”

“It was Bob, the next-door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.’

Penny pinchers also appreciate thoughtful, but mostly functional gifts: this glazed ceramic piggy bank will look great on their desk or bookshelf. 

 

Financial advisor jokes

 

#1. ‘Two financial advisors are in a bank when armed robbers burst in…

While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other proceeds to take the wallets, cell phones, watches, and other valuables from the customers.

In the midst of the chaos, the first advisor jams something into his friend’s hand. Without looking down, the second advisor says, “*What is this?*”

The first Advisor replies, “It’s the $100 I owe you.”‘

‘HODL’ is a popular mantra among cryptocurrency & stock traders which stands for ‘Hold On for Dear Life.’ If you have a friend who gets the kick out of HODLing for dear life, they’ll love this tee.

 

 

Financial Jokes One-Liners

 

#1. ‘A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”’

 

#2. ‘My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off.’ —Comedian Matin Atrushi

 

#3. ‘Tip-jar humour in our local coffee shop: “Afraid of Change? Leave It Here.”’

The finance geek in your life will love this Benjamin Franklin-themed runner rug. They’ll need something cozy to keep their toes warm as they battle with spreadsheets.

 

 

#4. ‘I’m normally not one to brag about my financial skills but my credit card company calls me almost every day to inform me my balance is outstanding!’

 

#5. ‘I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.’

 

#6.‘That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.’

Wondering how to break the ice while talking to your parents about preparing for retirement? This small quiz book is a perfect gift to get them celebrating this milestone with loads of laughter

#7. ‘Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.’

 

#8. ‘I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.’

 

#9. ‘You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.’

 

The best way to securely buy, manage and grow your bitcoin wallet and other digital assets is through this Ledger Nano X.

#10. ‘You don’t have to marry for money; hang around the rich and marry for love.’

 

#11. ‘Money isn’t everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.’

 

#12. ‘Never lend money to a friend. It’s dangerous. It could damage his memory.’

 

#13. ‘Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank. by Rowdy Bowden’

 

#14. ‘If your name is on the building, you’re rich; if your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class; if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.’

 

#15. ‘During a visit to our friend’s home in Canada, we were feted with a wonderful breakfast. But my six-year-old daughter was not impressed.

“Your pancakes are smaller than my mom’s,” she told him.

He replied, “That’s because of the exchange rate.”‘

This bull and bear is a classic representation of the ups and down of the stock market. A finance geek would be thrilled to display it on their desk as it captures an essence of their daily life.

 

 

#16. ‘Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt?

Pyramid schemes.’

 

#17. ‘A hacker saw my financials

He set up a go fund me.’

 

#18. ‘My financial advisor asked me “What’s your net worth?”

I said, “I don’t own a net”.’

 

Since you can’t give a finance nerd all the cold, hard cash they wish for, the money tree is your go-to gift. It’s a good luck plant that’s linked with fortune, wealth and prosperity, which is EXACTLY what they’re looking for.

 

#19. ‘This is an awfully hard time for me financially.

Last month I was unable to pay the bills to my exorcist and as a consequence, I have been repossessed.’

 

#20. ‘My financial adviser asked me what I bring home at the end of every month.

“Crippling depression,” I told him.’

 

#21. ‘I feel the classical musicians from the 17th and 18th century were not financially well-off.

Because they come from the Baroque era.’

 

#22. ‘Who handles financial matters in a monastery?

That’s nun of your business’

 

 

Best financial jokes

 

#1. ‘In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 a.m. wake-up call.

The next morning, the phone didn’t ring until 5:30.

“You were supposed to call us at 5 a.m.!” I admonished the desk clerk on the other end of the line.

“What if I had to close a ­million-dollar contract this morning? Your oversight would have cost me the deal!”

“Sir,” he said calmly, “if you had to close that type of deal, I doubt you’d be staying in this type of hotel.”’

 

#2. ‘I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”’ —Comedian Rich Vos

 

#3. ‘After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”’

 

#4. ‘I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge. “No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”‘

 

#5. ‘No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it.

“With my daughter’s graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we’re a little strapped.”

“I’m getting really tired of paying this rent every month! You’ll have to wait a few more days.”

“We’re a little short right now. But don’t worry—we’re getting a refund on my wife’s tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we’re getting back most of the bucks!”

“I didn’t pay the rent because I’m saving up to move.”

“It’s your fault the check bounced. Why didn’t you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!”‘

 

#6. ‘The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

“How did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”‘

 

#7. ‘A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. 

While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?” 

God replied, “1 second.” 

The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?” 

And God replied, “A penny.” 

Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?” 

And God replied, “Just wait a sec.”’

 

#8. ‘A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. 

The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it.

The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. 

It’s now the drunk’s turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, “Spit it out! Spit it out!”’

 

Sources

upjoke.com

Reader’s Digest

Which was the funniest joke? Do share your favourite financial jokes and puns with us in the comment section, we’d love to hear from you!